from Chapter III:
GOLDEN HORATIO
vs. THE MUDMAN
Twice upon a time there lived Horatio. Golden Horatio
was obsessed with Beauty. So much so that his quest for a Beautiful Child
led him to reject offspring after offspring, until he layed and sired
with every able-bodied woman in the land. Each child, while seeming perfectly
acceptable to all others including the many mothers, was neglected by
Horatio who claimed the children did not conform to Golden Proportions.
When it seemed he had exhausted (himself and) every option
for suitable mating, he came across the rumor of the Forest Fairy. Legend
told that the Forest Fairy was exiled to live in the Forest a thousand
years before, due to the fact that her Beauty was such that it put others
in the land to Shame. It was also said that her Immortality surpassed
even her Fertility, which surpassed even her Beauty.
So naturally, Golden Horatio set off in search of the
Forest Fairy. After a perilous but enlightening journey thru the Forest
(as described in the song Horatio's Drunken Journey
Thru the Mysterious Swamp), he was disheartened to learn that a year
of searching had not been enough to track the elusive Forest Fairy. To
soothe his sorrow, he sat alone in the Forest a moment more, drank his
last Beer, tossed the empty can into the Swamp, and left.
But unbeknownst to him, he had once again planted an
imperfect seed. For it seems that the Fairy's magic had been spread throughout
the Forest, even in the vile Swamp which Golden Horatio had mistaken
for a refuse heap. By the time he had left the Forest, a drop of Beer
from Horatio's discarded can had mixed with one of Horatio's equally
discarded teardrops, which in turn mixed with the Magical Swamp Gas...
and the misshapen blob of ooze that rose from the Swamp would be called,
later on in Fairy Tales such as this, The Mudman. (The misshapen blob
of music about this event would later be called The
Unwitnessed Birth of Mudman.)
Like most abandoned children, The Mudman began immediately
to experience all that Life has to offer. For he, this involved a brisk
walk through the Forest, where he learned to Eat and Shit, in that order.
(These events are also chronicled in the song Mudman's
March.) After mastering the first two Great Vices, he then unexpectedly
stumbled across the final third.
For after witnessing all this and more, the Forest Fairy
finally emerged to greet the newcomer. After convincing The horribly
disfigured yet surprisingly shy Mudman that she was not in fact "mommy",
she suddenly realized that the only Cure for a hundred lifetimes of loneliness
was the Disease that caused it, and so she proceeded to seduce him. (While
officially titled The Forest Fairy's Song of Seduction, our
friend The Mudman would fondly recall said tune as Warmth & Width:
Mudman F**ks the Friendly Forest Fairy).
Since leaving the Forest, Golden Horatio's despair had
multiplied, and to cope, so had his drinking efforts. The now suitablly
re-emboldened Molson Golden Horatio returned to seek out the Forest Fairy
once again. But this time he was surprised to hear strange sounds echoing
within the usually silent woods. After following them intently, he came
upon a clearing, where he came upon the Forest Fairy, where The Mudman
came upon her, where you might come upon roughly halfway through The
Death of Mudman: Horatio Returns.)
Seeing all at once what he believed to be most Hideous,
defiling what he believed to be most Beautiful, Golden Horatio drew his
Golden Sword from its Golden Scabbard, and made one Perfect Golden Strike
through the Golden Heart of The Mudman.
As The Mudman slumped further over and began to un-ooze
back into the Swamp from where he spawned, Horatio turned to look upon
the Forest Fairy.
And then, as the sun suddenly burst through the treetops
and glimmered on The Forest Fairy's Golden Hair, Horatio finally came
to realize both what he truly seeked, and what he truly found.
But it wasn't until he sobered up - much later - that
he fully understood what he had Done.
from Chapter V:
A COCK & HORSES
A cock once got into a stable and went about nestling
and scratching in the straw among the horses, who every now and then
would stamp and fling out their heels. So the cock gravely set to work
to admonish them. "Pray, my good friends, let us have a care," he
said, "that we don't tread on one another."
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